The Tale of the Demon Hair – Part II

darkhouse10“So what do we do now?” Heidi asked after a long silence.  They had escaped out the sliding glass door in the bedroom.  The hair was somewhere in the house, and their poor kitties trapped in there with it.

“I have no idea.  I mean, I’ve never had demon hair come to life and try to kill me in my sleep, so…  I have no idea how to battle it,” J said.

“Well we have to do SOMETHING!” shrieked Heidi, in a fit of hysterics.  “Our babies are in there!”

“Maybe we trap it.  Yeah, if we trap it we can kill it, right?” said J.

“HOW THE FUCK DO WE TRAP IT?!?!?!?”

Calmly, J replied, “I don’t know, babe.  But– “

“And what the hell are we going to kill it with, huh?  Clearly scissors didn’t work.  We don’t own a gun, but it seems that wouldn’t make much difference because neither of us could hit it.  We don’t own a chainsaw, or a machete or a wood chipper or– “

“The lawnmower!” J exclaimed.  He realized what they had to do. “Ok, here’s what we’re going to do.  We’re going to grab the blanket off our bed, find the little bastard and trap him under the blanket.  We’ll bundle it up, beat it with a hammer so it’s stunned or…injured, if that’s possible, then we’ll throw it outside.  I’ll get the lawnmower and run the little fucker over!”

Bewildered, Heidi replied, “That is craziest fucking thing I’ve ever heard!  Are you serious?  Do you really think that will work?!?!?”

“Babe, we’re standing on our deck at 3 o’clock in the morning talking about how we’re going to kill a demon hair creature.  Yes, I know how crazy it is.  No, I have no idea if it will work.  But, we can stand around talking about how insane it is, or we can get inside and save our cats and annihilate that monster.”

Heidi was silent for a moment, contemplating what J had just said.  Finally, she sighed and said, “Ok.  Let’s give it a shot.  I mean it’s not like we can call the fucking Ghostbusters.”

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 The house was eerily reticent as they crossed the threshold from the deck into their bedroom.  The night had a damp chill to it, but the hovering atmosphere of certain doom is what made Heidi shiver.  They deferred a moment by the door making certain the room was void of the demon.  J got down on his knees to check under the bed.  Heidi peeked hesitantly into the bathroom.  No evil lurking hair monster could be seen.  “We’re clear,” J said.  Heidi shushed him and began scooping up the comforter from the bed, which was still laying on the floor from the previous battle.  They looked to each other, nodded, and tiptoed quietly into the hall.

Stealthy as they tried to be on the hardwood floor, the house was callous to their efforts, groaning here and there beneath their careful steps.  Heidi and J cringed with every creak and pop of the floorboards.  By now, small beads of nervous perspiration had formed at J’s temples.  They both prayed silently beneath bated breath that their stirring did not rouse the demon.

As they made their way down the hallway, they suddenly heard the screeching and hissing of a cat fight.  J and Heidi halted momentarily, then rushed down the hall and burst into the kitchen, Heidi fumbling over the mass of blankets in her arms.  They recognized the cat screams coming from the great room.  Before they even entered they could see the demon monster in the center of the room, antagonizing the cats.  It would scream and hiss and start after one cat, and the other two would attack from behind.  As quickly as the attack happened the creature would turn on the other two.  Then the initial cat would retaliate.  Heidi and J stood in the doorway, mouths gaping at the sight.  J could hear the commentary in his mind as the battle unfolded:

 Wow!  What a move by Casey Cat, a modified body slam!  Wait a minute, wait a minute.  The creature has risen!  He’s hissing and screeching at his opponents.  Boy I don’t think this is going to end well.  The creature makes a move toward Diesel, and —  OHHHH!  The creature lands a hard blow to the throat.  And here comes Baxter…he’s ready to pounce…Casey’s positioning himself on top of the couch….*MEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW* *HIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *MMMMRAAAWEEEOW*  BOOM!  Off the top of the couch! Casey delivers a diving elbow drop with a claw extension.  AND LOOK!  Now Baxter has the demon in a full nelson!  Have you ever seen anything like this?!?!?

Heidi dove into the living room, thrusting the blanket onto the pile of cats and hair demon.  “J HELP ME!!!” screamed Heidi.  “GRAB THE CATS!!!!”  J snapped out of his internal soliloquy and pounced on the blanket.  The rumpus under the blanket made it hard to keep them covered.  He knelt on the edge and reached under the blanket feeling for what he hoped was a cat.  When he was sure, he yanked it out by his tail.  *MEEEEOOOOOWWWWW*  Diesel ran down the stairs to the basement.  All of a sudden, Baxter broke free from the cover, sprinted across the room, up the wall, and huddled on the ledge of the ceiling window.  “Casey Cat!!!” Heidi yelled.  She flung herself under the blanket.  The demon had Casey by the paw as Casey gnawed and thrashed at the creature.

“Get away from him, you BITCH!” Heidi screamed.

Suddenly, the creature released its grip on Casey, who darted out from the blanket.  Heidi met the non-existent eyes of the monster and gasped as she tried to wiggle out of the blanket.  Before J could come to her rescue, the hair demon screeched and lunged at Heidi.  It wrapped itself around her wrist and pulled her back under.  “J, GET THE HAMMER!!!!” Heidi screamed.

J leaped to his feet.  Why didn’t I grab the fucking hammer first, he thought.  The closest thing he could think of was also the nearest to him – the meat mallet in the kitchen.  He sprang into action, sprinting to the kitchen.  He rummaged wildly through the drawer that held their cooking utensils until his hand came to grip on the mallet.  He could hear Heidi in the living room screaming and grunting as she wrestled the beast.  J flew into the living room and ripped the blanket off.  The creature was half way up Heidi’s arm as she struggled with the other hand to push it off.  J stomped hard on the other end of the hair demon and raised the meat mallet above his head.  With a wild, maniacal look he said, “Say ‘ello to my lit’le friend!”  And with that, he swung the mallet down on the beast with brute force.  The demon hair screamed and hissed as J pounded and pounded, grunting with each blow.  Finally, the demon released Heidi.  She crawled to the blanket and threw it at the creature.  J dropped the mallet and pounced on the blanket.  He gathered up the thrashing monster in a bundle in his arms, and said, “HEIDI!  QUICK!  GET TO DA CHOPPAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

J ran for the back door as Heidi scurried to the garage.  J flung open the door and darted for the yard, the creature-beast-demon monster from hell screaming thrashing in his arms.  He slammed the blanket down hard on the ground and stopped and stomped with all his might.  He heard the lawn mower start up.  Heidi came jogging around the corner, headed straight for the demon.  She stopped just short, yelling, “LIFT UP THE BLANKET!  LIFT UP THE BLANKET!”  Justin lifted the blanket and the creature reared back coming fully upright.  Heidi and J stared in horror as the beast let out a deep, demonic growl.

“QUICK, HEIDI!  RUN IT OVER!” Justin yelled.

“Yippee-ki-yay, motha fucka!”  And with that, Heidi ran the creature over.  The lawnmower groaned and popped as the demon howled.  Heidi could feel it fighting back against the blades of the lawn mower.  Just when she thought it was no use, the lawn mower lurched forward past the hair demon, grumbling to a stop.  Heidi and Justin looked at the demon.  It was in multiple pieces, motionless on the lawn.  Then, a demonic hiss erupted from one of the segments.

“Oh my god!  It’s not dead!” Heidi exclaimed.

“We have to torch it,” J replied.  He kicked the segments into a pile.  Heidi ran to the barbecue grill and grabbed the lighter fluid.  Empty.  What else, she thought. What else can I use?  She grabbed the book of matches and sprinted into the house, straight to the liquor cabinet.  She grabbed a bottle 100 proof moonshine from the top shelf and darted back out side.

“This is all we have,” Heidi said.  J grabbed the bottle from Heidi and took a swig.  He winced and coughed as he passed the bottle to Heidi, who also took a deep gulp.  Then, she poured the entire bottle on the demon and pulled the matches from her pocket.

“BURN, BITCH! BUUUUUURNNNN!” And she struck the match and let it drop on the pile of mangled hair.  The demon went up in flames, hissing and spitting and screeching.  Heidi and J hugged and cried, kissing each other and thrusting their fists into the air in triumph.  For that night, they had defeated the demon hair and sent it back to hell in a blazing fireball of glory.

The end.

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Ok, so maybe we didn’t battle a demon hair creature.  But we sure as hell pulled one from the drain in our bathroom!  The scary part was…it wasn’t mine.  We only moved into the house in April, and I don’t use the shower from whence the hair came.  It just makes me wonder…  What does one really know about their house?  What secrets do the walls hold?  What sights have they seen?  What lurks just below the shower drain?

Yeah, yeah.  I know.  I’m a little dramatic.  There’s obviously no accurate description of the horror we encountered.  Why don’t you see for yourself?

The horror!

The horror!

THE HORROR!!!!

THE HORROR!!!!

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My Busch Stadium Bucket List

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Home of the St. Louis Cardinals!

Behold!  Before your very eyes is a picture of the greatest place on earth (ok, maybe that’s a stretch)!  This, dear readers, is called “home” by the St. Louis Cardinals and the greatest fans in baseball (ok, now you’re really rolling your eyes).

The thing is, unless you’ve been there – unless you’ve truly experienced the weird magic that happens when you cross the threshold to the concrete wonderland with all the other 41,000 red-clad spectators – you just wouldn’t understand.  Just like I don’t understand the magic at Lambeau Field.

Or Joe Louis Arena.

Or The Garden.

Or Yankee Stadium (blech, I’ll never understand that magic).

Every game is an adventure for me.  What will happen?  Who will win?  What records will be broken?  Every time I take in a ball game at Busch Stadium, I dream of all the possibilities – big and small – that await me.  Then one day, it occurred to me:

Why should I only dream of the possibilities?

That’s when I decided to create my Busch Stadium Bucket List.  Before I die, I will attempt to experience all that I can at every single Cardinals game.  Some things I’ve already accomplished.  Some things I may never get to check off.  One thing is for certain, though, and that is…I will die trying!

I present to you my list (in no particular order of importance or ease):

1. Catch a foul ball.
2. Catch a home run ball.
3. Stand on the field.

*Check…sort of.  I got to run the bases at the old Busch stadium when I was a kid.  I have yet to step foot on the new field, and I might never get the chance, being someone of little importance these days.  But, come hell or high water, I WILL find a way!*

4. Be caught on the “Kiss Cam”.
5. Catch a t-shirt from Team Fredbird.
6. Attend a winning World Series game.

  *Check!  I was witness in 2006 when the St. Louis Cardinals defeated the Detroit Tigers in game 5 of the World Series.  Words cannot fully describe how amazing that experience was.  I will never forget it as long as I live, and it will always be one of the best nights of my life!*

7. Be seen on TV at the Cardinals game (I pray if this happens I won’t be doing something completely stupid).
8. Sit in the “green seats”.
9. Get an autographed baseball by my favorite Cardinal, Adam Wainwright.
10. Meet a Cardinals player.

*Check!  I’ve met a few, all of them former Cardinals.  There is one night in particular that sticks out in my mind…  About five of the players…  During playoffs in 2006…  They had just won…  Boy, did my friends and I have fun THAT night! ;)*

11. Sit in the suites.

*Check!  In the summer of 2012 I was invited to J’s law firm’s suite.  It was a one-time treat for everyone at the firm, and I’m sure glad I was invited!*

12. Have my picture taken with Fredbird.

*Check!  On a few different occasions!*

13. Announce the starting line-up.
14. Watch any Cardinals player break any record.
15. Watch a concert.
16. Throw the first pitch.

St. Louis or not, what have you accomplished on this list?