The Tale of the Demon Hair – Part II

darkhouse10“So what do we do now?” Heidi asked after a long silence.  They had escaped out the sliding glass door in the bedroom.  The hair was somewhere in the house, and their poor kitties trapped in there with it.

“I have no idea.  I mean, I’ve never had demon hair come to life and try to kill me in my sleep, so…  I have no idea how to battle it,” J said.

“Well we have to do SOMETHING!” shrieked Heidi, in a fit of hysterics.  “Our babies are in there!”

“Maybe we trap it.  Yeah, if we trap it we can kill it, right?” said J.

“HOW THE FUCK DO WE TRAP IT?!?!?!?”

Calmly, J replied, “I don’t know, babe.  But– “

“And what the hell are we going to kill it with, huh?  Clearly scissors didn’t work.  We don’t own a gun, but it seems that wouldn’t make much difference because neither of us could hit it.  We don’t own a chainsaw, or a machete or a wood chipper or– “

“The lawnmower!” J exclaimed.  He realized what they had to do. “Ok, here’s what we’re going to do.  We’re going to grab the blanket off our bed, find the little bastard and trap him under the blanket.  We’ll bundle it up, beat it with a hammer so it’s stunned or…injured, if that’s possible, then we’ll throw it outside.  I’ll get the lawnmower and run the little fucker over!”

Bewildered, Heidi replied, “That is craziest fucking thing I’ve ever heard!  Are you serious?  Do you really think that will work?!?!?”

“Babe, we’re standing on our deck at 3 o’clock in the morning talking about how we’re going to kill a demon hair creature.  Yes, I know how crazy it is.  No, I have no idea if it will work.  But, we can stand around talking about how insane it is, or we can get inside and save our cats and annihilate that monster.”

Heidi was silent for a moment, contemplating what J had just said.  Finally, she sighed and said, “Ok.  Let’s give it a shot.  I mean it’s not like we can call the fucking Ghostbusters.”

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 The house was eerily reticent as they crossed the threshold from the deck into their bedroom.  The night had a damp chill to it, but the hovering atmosphere of certain doom is what made Heidi shiver.  They deferred a moment by the door making certain the room was void of the demon.  J got down on his knees to check under the bed.  Heidi peeked hesitantly into the bathroom.  No evil lurking hair monster could be seen.  “We’re clear,” J said.  Heidi shushed him and began scooping up the comforter from the bed, which was still laying on the floor from the previous battle.  They looked to each other, nodded, and tiptoed quietly into the hall.

Stealthy as they tried to be on the hardwood floor, the house was callous to their efforts, groaning here and there beneath their careful steps.  Heidi and J cringed with every creak and pop of the floorboards.  By now, small beads of nervous perspiration had formed at J’s temples.  They both prayed silently beneath bated breath that their stirring did not rouse the demon.

As they made their way down the hallway, they suddenly heard the screeching and hissing of a cat fight.  J and Heidi halted momentarily, then rushed down the hall and burst into the kitchen, Heidi fumbling over the mass of blankets in her arms.  They recognized the cat screams coming from the great room.  Before they even entered they could see the demon monster in the center of the room, antagonizing the cats.  It would scream and hiss and start after one cat, and the other two would attack from behind.  As quickly as the attack happened the creature would turn on the other two.  Then the initial cat would retaliate.  Heidi and J stood in the doorway, mouths gaping at the sight.  J could hear the commentary in his mind as the battle unfolded:

 Wow!  What a move by Casey Cat, a modified body slam!  Wait a minute, wait a minute.  The creature has risen!  He’s hissing and screeching at his opponents.  Boy I don’t think this is going to end well.  The creature makes a move toward Diesel, and —  OHHHH!  The creature lands a hard blow to the throat.  And here comes Baxter…he’s ready to pounce…Casey’s positioning himself on top of the couch….*MEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW* *HIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS* *MMMMRAAAWEEEOW*  BOOM!  Off the top of the couch! Casey delivers a diving elbow drop with a claw extension.  AND LOOK!  Now Baxter has the demon in a full nelson!  Have you ever seen anything like this?!?!?

Heidi dove into the living room, thrusting the blanket onto the pile of cats and hair demon.  “J HELP ME!!!” screamed Heidi.  “GRAB THE CATS!!!!”  J snapped out of his internal soliloquy and pounced on the blanket.  The rumpus under the blanket made it hard to keep them covered.  He knelt on the edge and reached under the blanket feeling for what he hoped was a cat.  When he was sure, he yanked it out by his tail.  *MEEEEOOOOOWWWWW*  Diesel ran down the stairs to the basement.  All of a sudden, Baxter broke free from the cover, sprinted across the room, up the wall, and huddled on the ledge of the ceiling window.  “Casey Cat!!!” Heidi yelled.  She flung herself under the blanket.  The demon had Casey by the paw as Casey gnawed and thrashed at the creature.

“Get away from him, you BITCH!” Heidi screamed.

Suddenly, the creature released its grip on Casey, who darted out from the blanket.  Heidi met the non-existent eyes of the monster and gasped as she tried to wiggle out of the blanket.  Before J could come to her rescue, the hair demon screeched and lunged at Heidi.  It wrapped itself around her wrist and pulled her back under.  “J, GET THE HAMMER!!!!” Heidi screamed.

J leaped to his feet.  Why didn’t I grab the fucking hammer first, he thought.  The closest thing he could think of was also the nearest to him – the meat mallet in the kitchen.  He sprang into action, sprinting to the kitchen.  He rummaged wildly through the drawer that held their cooking utensils until his hand came to grip on the mallet.  He could hear Heidi in the living room screaming and grunting as she wrestled the beast.  J flew into the living room and ripped the blanket off.  The creature was half way up Heidi’s arm as she struggled with the other hand to push it off.  J stomped hard on the other end of the hair demon and raised the meat mallet above his head.  With a wild, maniacal look he said, “Say ‘ello to my lit’le friend!”  And with that, he swung the mallet down on the beast with brute force.  The demon hair screamed and hissed as J pounded and pounded, grunting with each blow.  Finally, the demon released Heidi.  She crawled to the blanket and threw it at the creature.  J dropped the mallet and pounced on the blanket.  He gathered up the thrashing monster in a bundle in his arms, and said, “HEIDI!  QUICK!  GET TO DA CHOPPAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

J ran for the back door as Heidi scurried to the garage.  J flung open the door and darted for the yard, the creature-beast-demon monster from hell screaming thrashing in his arms.  He slammed the blanket down hard on the ground and stopped and stomped with all his might.  He heard the lawn mower start up.  Heidi came jogging around the corner, headed straight for the demon.  She stopped just short, yelling, “LIFT UP THE BLANKET!  LIFT UP THE BLANKET!”  Justin lifted the blanket and the creature reared back coming fully upright.  Heidi and J stared in horror as the beast let out a deep, demonic growl.

“QUICK, HEIDI!  RUN IT OVER!” Justin yelled.

“Yippee-ki-yay, motha fucka!”  And with that, Heidi ran the creature over.  The lawnmower groaned and popped as the demon howled.  Heidi could feel it fighting back against the blades of the lawn mower.  Just when she thought it was no use, the lawn mower lurched forward past the hair demon, grumbling to a stop.  Heidi and Justin looked at the demon.  It was in multiple pieces, motionless on the lawn.  Then, a demonic hiss erupted from one of the segments.

“Oh my god!  It’s not dead!” Heidi exclaimed.

“We have to torch it,” J replied.  He kicked the segments into a pile.  Heidi ran to the barbecue grill and grabbed the lighter fluid.  Empty.  What else, she thought. What else can I use?  She grabbed the book of matches and sprinted into the house, straight to the liquor cabinet.  She grabbed a bottle 100 proof moonshine from the top shelf and darted back out side.

“This is all we have,” Heidi said.  J grabbed the bottle from Heidi and took a swig.  He winced and coughed as he passed the bottle to Heidi, who also took a deep gulp.  Then, she poured the entire bottle on the demon and pulled the matches from her pocket.

“BURN, BITCH! BUUUUUURNNNN!” And she struck the match and let it drop on the pile of mangled hair.  The demon went up in flames, hissing and spitting and screeching.  Heidi and J hugged and cried, kissing each other and thrusting their fists into the air in triumph.  For that night, they had defeated the demon hair and sent it back to hell in a blazing fireball of glory.

The end.

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Ok, so maybe we didn’t battle a demon hair creature.  But we sure as hell pulled one from the drain in our bathroom!  The scary part was…it wasn’t mine.  We only moved into the house in April, and I don’t use the shower from whence the hair came.  It just makes me wonder…  What does one really know about their house?  What secrets do the walls hold?  What sights have they seen?  What lurks just below the shower drain?

Yeah, yeah.  I know.  I’m a little dramatic.  There’s obviously no accurate description of the horror we encountered.  Why don’t you see for yourself?

The horror!

The horror!

THE HORROR!!!!

THE HORROR!!!!

The Tale of the Demon Hair – Part I

house-of-horror-vintage-horror-movie-poster-www.freevitnageposters.comWhat terrified me will terrify others; and I need only describe the spectre which had haunted my midnight pillow. – Mary Shelley

It was a crisp, cool night in October.  The air was calm; the night as black as pitch.  Heidi had just finished a movie with some friends and was walking to her car, digesting the film.  It was a psychological thriller – her favorite.  Suddenly, she became aware of an ominous feeling creeping deep into her being.  As a chill pricked the hairs on the back of her neck, she shuddered and thought, you’re just uneasy from the movie, Heidi.  Get a grip.  She climbed into her car and drove away.

As she approached her house in her quiet little subdivision, the feeling of unease came back to her.  Pulling into her garage she scanned her surroundings.  J’s car was in its usual spot, nothing out of the ordinary.  The door to the side garage was closed and locked, as it should be.  Heidi crept out of her car apprehensively and ventured to her front yard.  Her street was quiet, no doubt most of her neighbors settled into bed for the night.  She could hear a dog yapping a few streets over and the faint hum of cars off in the distance.  Hers was the only house on her block with a light on inside – the kitchen light, which J always left on for Heidi when she came home after dark.  There were no creepy noises, or frightening shadows, or suspicious characters clad in trench coats.  Everything was peaceful.  You’re ridiculous, thought Heidi as she breathed a sigh of relief.

“Hi dear,” Heidi called as she stepped inside.  She kicked her shoes off next to the door and reached down to pet Casey cat, who was eagerly awaiting her return.  Silence.  J must be asleep, Heidi thought.  She made her way through the kitchen and down the hallway to the bedroom.  “Babe, I’m home,” she said.  Nothing.  She fumbled in the dark for her bedside lamp.  As she clicked the light on, she realized the bed was empty.  Alright.  No reason to panic, Heidi assured herself.  She sat down on the bed and took a deep breath.  Pulling her cell phone out of her pocket, she searched for any missed calls or texts from J.  Maybe he was filling in on someone’s volleyball team, or maybe he caught up with a friend for a drink.  She called his cell phone to find out.

BZZZZZZZZ! “This is not for yooooouuuuu!” BZZZZZZZZZZZZ! “This is not for yooooouuuuuu!”

Heidi jumped at the sudden, piercing noise, falling off the bed and landing hard on the floor.

BZZZZZZZZ! “This is not for yoooooouuuu!”

Pearl Jam ringtone.  It was J’s cell phone, sitting on his bedside table.  Heidi flung herself across the bed and silenced the phone.  Ok, what the fuck, Heidi thought.  She stood up, momentarily paralyzed with fear.  No, no, no.  Don’t get crazy, Heidi.  He just left and…forgot his phone, she thought.  Except J never forgot his phone.  And he always told her where he was going.  Before she could truly start to concoct some wild image of home invasion, or aliens, or spontaneous combustion she heard him.

“I’m in here,” J said in a low and quiet tone, the haunted words floating from the bathroom.  Heidi rushed in to find him kneeling in the shower.  The room was dark except for a pale glow coming from the small window above the shower.  His back was to her.

“Hi, babe.  What, uh…  Whatcha doing, there?” Heidi asked, skeptically.  J didn’t respond.

“Babe?”  She started towards him.

“It was awful,” he said in a monotone voice.  Heidi knelt beside him.  In the pale light she could see that he was expressionless, his eyes fixed on the shower drain.  Her heart pounded as she placed a hand gently on his shoulder.  He shivered at her touch.

“What, babe?  What’s the matter?  What happened?” she guided gently.

“I –  The drain.  It…it was clogged, so I opened it up,” he said.  Heidi waited for the rest, but J did not speak.

“Ok…  And?” she persisted.

“It was unlike anything I’ve ever seen.  Like a nightmare come true.  I – I couldn’t get it out, so I snaked the drain as far down as I could.  It was…stuck, but then —  H-h-hair.  Jet black.  So much hair.  Oh the horror!  THE HORROR!!!” he screamed. He had gone from comatose to terrified.

“Hair?  You pulled hair out of the shower drain?  Are you fucking KIDDING me?!?!?” Heidi shrieked.  “That’s what this is about, some fucking hair?!?!?  Don’t scare me like that, you asshole!”

“You don’t understand.  So..much..hair…” his voice trailed off as he trembled on the floor.

“Ok, I think you’re being dramatic — ”

“NO!!!  Babe, I swear, I thought the creepy little girl from The Ring was going to start inching her way out of our shower drain!” He exclaimed, on his feet now.  “I saved it!  I threw it in the trash in the kitchen.  I’ll show you!”

J rushed past Heidi, making his way to the kitchen trash can.  She followed him, rolling her eyes, bewildered that a little bit of hair could cause such a commotion.  What a big baby, she thought.  J rummaged through the trash.  No sign of the hair.  He slowly looked up at Heidi; fear filled his eyes.

“It’s not —  I swear, Heidi, it was RIGHT HERE!” he shrieked.

“Dude, are you high?” Heidi asked.  He snorted at her, clearly offended. “Seriously, though, are you on something?”

“No, I’m not fucking ‘on something’!” he replied.

“Well, maybe you were dreaming,” Heidi offered.

“Heidi, I wasn’t even in bed yet.  I wasn’t asleep, so I couldn’t have dreamed it!  Get your head out of your ass!!” J snapped.

“Woah, woah, woah, babe.  Ease up.  I’m just trying to help.  But this –  This is ridiculous.”

“I’m not making this up.  It was right here.”

“Let’s just got to bed.  I’m tired, and I’m guessing you are, too.  We’ll figure it out in the morning.”

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 What was that, Heidi thought as her eyes fluttered open.  The only thing she could make out in the dark bedroom was the time on the clock – 2:36 AM.  She shuffled her covers and fluffed her pillows.  As soon as her head hit the pillow she felt the covers move.  One of the cats had gotten into bed.  A warm sensation came over her feet as the cat made itself cozy.  What is that smell, thought Heidi.  It reeked!  Probably J, as he was notorious for his pungent flatulence.  The covers rustled again.  Heidi sat up and reached down to shift the cat, but as she felt around…no cat was to be found.  She laid back down, confused and sleepy.  Just then, she felt a slow warmth creep up feet to her ankle.  But it wasn’t just warmth.  It took her a few seconds to realize that the warmth was also slimy…and slithering past her ankles to her calf.  She flung the covers off her and darted out of bed.  She fumbled for a second as she flipped on the bedside lamp.  Her heart was racing.  That was no cat, she thought.  It was a snake.  I had to be a snake.  How the shit did a snake get in my house?

“J,” Heidi hissed.  “J, wake up!  I think there’s a snake in the bed!”

“Garg urgh whaaat?” J moaned, barely cognizant.

“Seriously, I just felt something on my leg.  Get up!!” Heidi shrieked.  She pulled the covers all the way off the bed and started examining them.  She shook them out and reached for the sheets to do the same.

“Babe, what the hell are you doing?” J asked, more alert this time.

“J.  Focus!  Snake…in our house…in our bed!  Help me find it!”

This seemed to startle J, and suddenly he was wide awake.  He sprung out of bed and started ferociously shaking the sheets.  No sign of a snake.  They looked at each other across the bed.  J smirked at her.

“Now who’s crazy?” he snickered.

“Oh for Christ’s sake, J!  There was no goddamn hair monster!” yelled Heidi.

“Oh yeah?  Well I sure as hell don’t see a snake in the bed.  Do you?” he asked, grinning at her.  He paused a beat, then in the most smart-ass of tones, “Are you high?”  She squinted her eyes at him, lasers surely aiming to zap him to dust.  He plopped down on the bed triumphantly and kicked back with hands behind his head.  He looked mighty proud in the naked bed, propped up on his pillow of victory.  He laid there a minute, and said, “Could you…  Would you mind putting the covers back on the bed?  I’m a little bit –“

There was no time to react.  It had slithered out of the pillow case and wrapped itself around J’s neck and face.  Heidi screamed and fell backwards, hitting her head on the wall.  J hopped to his knees, choking and spitting as he tried to pry the creature from his throat.  Heidi sat for a moment, panic-stricken at the sight before her.  She had to move.  She leaped to her feet and lunged at J’s head.  With both hands on the beast, she pulled and yanked as hard as she could.  It was no use.  The creature was too slimy.  And that smell!  It stung her eyes and burned her nostrils.  Without thinking, she ran to the kitchen and grabbed the butcher knife.  Wait, she thought, I can’t use this on J!  I’ll cut his face off!  Cut.  Cut?  CUT!!!!  Exactly!  She grabbed the scissors out of the drawer and darted back to the bedroom.  J’s face was beat red with the violet hue of asfyxiation.  Heidi ran to him and yanked at the creature until she could get the blades between it and J’s neck.  She smashed the scissors down as hard as she could.  A high pitch screech erupted from the creature, startling Heidi.  The creature was tough, and the scissors would not cut it, but still Heidi clamped down.  Spitting and screeching, the creature finally let go.  J dropped to the bed, half conscious.  The creature lay there for a second, and then slithered off out of the bedroom.

“Oh my God!  Are you ok?  BABE?!?!?!” Heidi cried.  She held his head in her lap, thankful he was alive.  He gasped for air, and after some time sputtering and coughing the red in his face subsided.

“I’m fine,” he finally managed.  “What the FUCK…” cough, cough “…kind of snake was that?!?!?”  Heidi was breathing heavy and a solemn look appeared on her face as she met his eyes.

“It wasn’t a snake,” she said.  “You were right.  I should have listened to you…”

“Wait, are you saying –“

“It was the hair.”

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TO BE CONTINUED…