Major Life Lessons Conventionaly Called "Common Sense"

In no particular order…

1. Follow recipes, especially if you suck at cooking.  If you are doing laundry, watching a movie, and texting (combined with poor culinary skills) you will most likely forget to add a major ingredient – let’s say..oh I don’t know…FLOUR!  Trust me, you will NOT end up with cookies, but rather a large pan of chocolaty caramel.  And a really sticky mess.

2. Avoid substitutes for toilet paper.  This mostly applies to public bathrooms.  Me: “There’s no toilet paper.  But, there’s lot of these little wet wipes.  How very modern!  Whatever.”  Yeah, those little “wet wipes” turned out to be some sort of household wipe and I damn near burned my vagina off!!!  It was very uncomfortable to walk out of the bathroom and know that the whole restaurant heard me shrieking in pain.  They weren’t being modern at all.  They were just…out of toilet paper.

3. Don’t text and drive.  Done.  Point.  Blank.

4. Ever wonder if you can turn your earwax into a candle?  Well, don’t.  Because you can’t.  And it doesn’t burn, but it DEFINITELY stinks!

5. There is no such thing as werewolves.  I mean, who needs werewolves when all the crazy fucking weirdos come out every full moon.  Plus, it’s really hard to get to your silver bullet when you’re bound in a straight jacket.

6. If you ever get the chance to eat a persimmon, make sure it’s ripe.  You’ll know what I mean when you eat one that isn’t.

7. Don’t allow yourself to get so mad you break something.  It just makes you go from angry to irate.

8.  Steamers for clothes are to be used while the article of clothing is not being worn.  Do not attempt to steam your shirt while you are wearing it.  It’s hot.

9. If you want to fly, just ride your bike downhill on a gravel road.  When you’ve reached maximum velocity hit the brakes as hard as you can.  Trust me.  You’ll fly alright.

10. Accidentally getting shit-faced in front of your family can be slightly awkward.  You have been warned.

The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except for yourself.

Cruisin’.  It was one of the few forms of entertainment in the Mineral Area.  If you had access to wheels then you hit the “strip” and cruised.  For those of you who have never had the pleasure, let me shed some light.  The “main drag” was located in Park Hills on Main Street.  Girls drove up one side and boys down the other.  The section that was actually cruised was approximately one city block.  You started at one end of the block, cruised to the end of that block, and then turned around and did it again.  And all of this was in hopes to check out the guys/girls.  I’m serious.  You basically wasted gas to drive around in circles, stare out the window at a bunch of people you didn’t know, feel uncomfortable, attempt to “holler” at a good looking fella, get shot down, and then do it all over again (all whilst sitting in traffic, which everyone hates).  But, it was the social congregation that fueled the desire to attend.  You didn’t want to be that loser who had never been cruisin’, and you didn’t want to be the loser at home on Friday or Saturday night with nothing to do.

So there I was, JUST turned 16 and I was asked by my friend Kandice if I wanted to go cruising with her on Friday night. I was pretty ecstatic because I had never been cruisin’ before and figured it would be the PERFECT way to celebrate my birthday weekend!  I remember she had this 1990 Firebird that I thought was so awesome!  I asked if Lanie could come, too, which was totally fine.  The more the merrier, right?!?!?!?

Here for your reading pleasure is the ACTUAL diary entry – of yours truly – from that night.

March 9, 2001

Hello!  Well, yesterday was my birthday.  I was born March 8, 1985 weighing in at 8lbs. 9oz.  Pretty cool if you think about how I’ve grown over the years.

Well, tonight Lanie, Kandice, and I are going cruisin’ in Park Hills.  We’re gonna have so much fun!  Lanie is going to be looking for Tanner, Bradley, and Lucas.  Good for her.  They are jerks.  Good looking, but still jerks!

Well, I’ll write you later tonight………*To represent the  time lapse, I suppose*

Oh my gosh I had so much fun!!!  OK, Kandice and I went to eat and after that we picked up Lanie.  Now you know how over-protective her dad is.  Well, he followed us from the high school where we picked up Lanie all the way to Desloge.  Can you believe that!?!?!?!?

Well, we went to the car wash and while Kandice was washing her car, this yellow Mustang squealed into the parking lot.  Lanie and I were like, “oh shit”!  Turns out it was Sammy and Andy wanting to know if Blake [my ex-boyfriend] still wanted to fight them.  I was like, “um, no.”  I guess they got the answer they wanted because they left.

So after Kandice washed her car we headed out to the strip.  We told Kandice who we were looking for.  We were looking for 3 guys in a black Neon.  So we kept our eyes peeled but the first time around we didn’t see them.  But we looked for HOT guys anyway.  I guess it was about our third time around we were looking for guys and we saw a car of two of em up ahead.  So we got ready and blared our music.  When we got up next to em it was none other than…Tanner and Bradley!!  We just sat there and stared at them looking like idiots!

So we kept driving around and we kept flirting with them.  Finally, they told us to meet them in the alley (or, parking lot?), so we did.

When we got there, they pulled up right next to me on my side of the car and we sat there for a minute in an awkward silence, but then they broke the silence by asking, “So, what year is your car”?  They they were like, rev it up.  She she did and it purred like a kitten.  Now theirs on the hand sounded pathetic, yet they claim theirs sounded better.  Guys!  Go figure.

Anyway, we got out of the car, and of course they acted so macho!  But they, well actually Tanner, got out of the car to talk to us.  The only thing they would talk about was getting [“a massage”] from one of us.  Can you believe how rude that is?  Anyway we joked back and forth about giving them [“a massage”] and I think Lanie and I had them believing we were actually gonna give them [“a massage”] if they were nice.

We kept talking and the flirting went to the next level, the “touchy-feeley” stage.  Not sexually or anything, but like Tanner would hang all over me and I was pushing him away.  I think he even tried to touch my tits.  I know for a fact he slapped my butt.  I mean he was groping it an everything.  The, I looked over at Bradley and he looked kinda lonely so I poked my head in the window and the way he looked into my eyes….  I thought I was going to melt!  But he started caressing my hair.  You know like putting it behind my ears and everything.  And he kept talking about how he “loved me” and that I had great legs.  Next thing I knew he said something that really pissed me off and I told him “screw you!”  He said, “sure baby.  Anytime.”  Then I didn’t reply and he said, “Well fine then!  Kiss my ass!”  I said it right back to him and he goes, “OK beautiful.  Bend over!”  I was so embarrassed!  Well, a couple of their friends showed up and they went over to talk to em.  I overheard on of them say “…oh man she is hot!!!”  Of course they’re three of us so I had no idea who he was speaking of.  Turns out it was me.  So Bradley called me over and introduced me to Jake and Jake.  Now, I knew the guy who was driving looked familiar.  I took another good look at the car and asked their last names.  I forget who the passenger was, but the driver was none other than…Jake[…], the stupid ass bastard who broke up with Chloe!  At about that time I was ready to say something, but I didn’t.  I just walked away and called him a loser.  Then we left to go cruisin some more.

We cruised for a while and Lanie and I came up with a plan.  We decided to play a little prank on the assholes.

We stopped next to them in traffic (luckily) and I (being the only one with guts) yelled out the window “Hey meet us at the bowling alley.  We’ve got something you REALLY want!”  You of course know what they automatically thought, don’t you?  Yeah, a [“massage job”].  So we drove over there and they pulled up on my side.  Travis stuck his head out his car window and said “Well, what do you got for me?”  I said “Well, open your door!”  so I got out of Kandice’s car, hopped into Tanner’s.  But I wasn’t sitting in the seats, I was sitting on his lap!  He had the biggest hard-on I had ever felt!!!  But I kept cool and acted sexy.  I wish I had a picture of his face!  I mean he really thought he was getting some!  But I pretended to lean in for a kiss and right as he was getting ready to kiss me.  I pulled away and stuck my phone # in his shirt so they would call us that evening.  Then we sped off leaving them in the dust.  It was great!  The rest of the evening was OK.

Wow.  Just…wow.  I CRINGE WHEN I READ THIS!!!  There is so much to say…  We can go ahead and get the obvious – the poor use of punctuation and grammar – out of the way.

Next, why don’t we address the hoe who wrote this.  I mean, damn.  I read this and all of my previous entries and not only cringe, but wish I could go back and have an aside with my younger self.  I would tell my younger self that boys will not make your life happy.  I would tell my younger self that the attention I got that night might have been the most attention I received from boys in my life, and, yeah, it felt good.  But, there will always be boys and most of them will not deserve all the greatness you have to offer.

“Young Heidi, fleeting attention from a cute boy is no reason to abandon your integrity and slip into your slut pants,” I would say.

I would probably give myself a whack on the head, because it’s super obvious these boys did NOT want to get to know me or truly be my friend.  They were only after a piece of ass.  But, at the same time, can you blame them?  I made it so easy for them!!!  Sure, I was a virgin, and that was something I cared about at the time, but I pretty much used that as a tool to tease them!

Finally, I would give my younger self a hug.  I would tell myself that one day you will actually give yourself the opportunity to get to know YOU.  You will have enough love and respect for yourself, and you won’t have to be a giant hoe bag to get boys to notice you.  You will be a great catch.  Just wait and see, young Heidi.